Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
