you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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