We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You don't make any sense
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