At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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