Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
