On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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