I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
