i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
