Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
