Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
