his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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