I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
