it was like his penis was on wheels.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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