His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
