i already hear my dad disowning me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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