Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I enjoy the company of your penis
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
