Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
