At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
