epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just invented taco cereal.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can you bring me the toilet please
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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