So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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