Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize