Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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