Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
