Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
