She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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