where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I AM VODKA MAN
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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