No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
