You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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