Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
