Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
