I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
