Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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