just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
