You're my little dorito
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
