I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
