i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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