my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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