the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We had to coat check the pizza.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
