So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
