His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
so much tequila, so little girl.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
