Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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