I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
