so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
