I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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