So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
