I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
