She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
