I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
