my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
