His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
