the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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