Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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