can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
