I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this boner is exhausting
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
