When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
